“Comparison is the thief of joy.”
- Theodore Roosevelt

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“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”

- Oscar Wilde

I sometimes wish I could provide a workshop in ‘learning to trust oneself’, or ‘developing your inner voice’ or something of that ilk. In my view, far too many people are too busy either worrying about what others think about their work, or feeling insecure about their work, or not trusting themselves enough.

Perhaps not trusting oneself is the biggest killer of inner joy. Too much emphasis is given to other’s feedback.

In my view, most folks suck at giving feedback. But most folks also suck at receiving it and don’t know how to deal with any kind of feedback at all. We’re all under-qualified. Friends and family, and even those you think should know better, can suck at saying constructive feedback. A bit like how we don’t know what to say when someone dies, or gets married. Most folks suck at giving constructive feedback. They’re under qualified. Similarly, we suck at receiving feedback. We either take it all too much to heart, or haven’t developed the skills with which to separate the valuable stuff from the noise.

So here’s my take on learning to trust oneself:

1. Most feedback should be treated as frivolous, no matter who it’s from, unless it hits you in some way. If you don’t agree: then the reviewer is either wrong, or you’re not ready to accept the truth. It’s hard sometimes to figure out which it is, until you learn to trust yourself and know inside what is true.

2. Reviewers, no matter how talented can be wrong. So for me, I think comments that might be uttered when least expected, and not intended as a critique may hold more value than those that were uttered with a review in mind.  This means we have to become critical listeners and critical thinkers to feedback. Feedback can come at us in many shapes and forms, and from anywhere at anytime. It’s up to us to tune into it, and also know when to tune out as well..

3. We have to choose wisely what to agree with and what to discard. I’ve heard so much crap over the years. Like the saying goes ‘opinions are like assholes - everyone has one’. If it’s useful feedback - it tends to resonate with you in some way. A light bulb moment - an epiphany. A realisation. A crystallisation. An observation that you realise to be true. Otherwise, it’s noise and best forgotten.

4. Learning to trust one’s own inner voice is key. Like Apple said ‘if we’d designed the iPhone based on customer requests, it would have had a keyboard’. If most folks don’t know what they want, then how can they give you a constructive review about what you were trying to do? More specifically : ‘customers don’t know what they want until you show it to them’. Anyone giving you feedback is doing it from their own history / experience. Take that into consideration when figuring out how much of what they’re saying applies to you. If you’re doing something outwith their experience, then their feedback may not be be as valuable as you hoped it might. Or it might be so lateral that it results in you having an epiphany.

In my view: folks hold too much value in what others think and haven't developed a critical filter for it. Additionally, most opinions and feedback are poorly formed, so it’s up to use to ask for more clarity and to be more discerning as to what we choose to take on board. That means learning to trust one’s own instinct for when someone is telling us something that we know to be of value.

And therein lies the most valuable skill one can possess: to know oneself.